I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
