she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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