I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
me + whiskey = a bad person
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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