you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
