im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
