She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
