I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
