I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
