Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
