hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
