Where did you get a picture of my penis
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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