I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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