hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
