I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
