ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
