I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
