I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
