The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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