I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
