I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
