I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
