What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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