my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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