you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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