I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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