i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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