i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
