someone owes me an orgasm
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
