Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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