I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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