How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
