So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
