I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
