i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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