guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
