Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
