fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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