I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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