last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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