well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think I am morally bankrupt
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
