He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
