his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
zippers are such a cool invention
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
