I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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