More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
