so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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