How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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