This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
