Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
