and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
