After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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