Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
