So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
smell my finger.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
