the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
