i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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