You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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