I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Semen is not good for contacts.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
