I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
