i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
