I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
