I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
