I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
