Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
