hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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