I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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