Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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