if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
