I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
