Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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